I Need To Bare All…
This is easily the most vulnerable and real I have ever been with other people and probably the most real and vulnerable I have ever been with myself. I have always had the outwards appearance of being someone who is confident and has it pretty much together. In a lot of situations this is true, but I do have my insecurities and hang-ups and struggles just like so many. Some of them I am not exactly proud of and some are quite embarrassing to admit.
As I’ve gotten older, I quickly realized that the sun and gravity and stress and life aren’t always easy on the body. Things start to wrinkle and sag and droop and crease and move. I can remember about 10 years ago looking at my face in the mirror one day and thinking “Holy God. When did that happen? I had legitimate lines. Wrinkles.” Since then, I have done my best to stop it – trying to slow down this aging process.
That whole revelation led to the embarrassing part. Over the past few years I have found that I have become more concerned with how I look, especially in pictures. I looked back at my social media posts from the previous couple of years and found that I was avoiding having my picture taken, wearing sunglasses to hide myself in pictures, and even barely smiling because I felt like I had less wrinkles if I was only smiling a little. If I were going to post a picture of myself, I would take a lot of pictures – I mean sometimes 30 or so – trying to find one good enough. And then, of course, filters were applied. It had become almost physically painful for me to see myself. I sit here now thinking about that and it doesn’t feel good. I don’t like it. Do I really want to look back on my memories and find that I’m not in them?
So, what do I do? I feel like I am at a point where I have two choices: I either need to keep hiding or I need to just bare it all. Could I really post pictures of myself without make-up and without filters? It took me weeks to decide what I would do and work up the courage to make the decision I knew I needed to make. The reality is I am in my forties and I have wrinkles. I have lived life. I have cried, smiled, mourned, laughed, loved, fought, hurt, celebrated, feared, hoped, wished, and lost. Decision time – I decided I would bare it all. No product, no make-up, no concealer, no filters, hair wild – nothing. Just Bare. I would bare all my faces.
Trust me, it wasn’t easy to include those pictures in a post. What’s harder, however, is what comes next. Baring my soul – my thoughts and feelings and emotions. I had to ask myself hard questions. Why do I feel this way about myself? Am I insecure? Is it poor self-esteem? Do I have a bad self-image? Is something wrong with me? Am I worried about what other people think? Is this my fault or someone else’s fault? My answer is I’m not sure. It could be all of them or none of them. For the most part, I like who I am and the things I’ve accomplished. I don’t wish to be someone else and I don’t even think I would really change the way I look. I think somehow I have become too hard on myself.
I wish I was the only woman out there who was thinking these things or was fighting these struggles, but I don’t think I am. I think we all have our own stories and histories and backgrounds that led us to this place, but what I think we all have in common is that we all have really high expectations of ourselves and we don’t always cut ourselves a lot a slack. We take on a lot responsibility and the burdens we bear can be quite heavy. We expect ourselves to work and to provide and to raise families and to take care of others and then on top of that we’re supposed to take care of ourselves and look good doing it!
I think finding the answers will take time – maybe a lot of time. It will take soul searching and insight and hard work to get through these thoughts and fears and worries, but while I do that I think the first step is to push myself to figure out the solutions. I can post pictures of myself. I can leave a legacy for my kids to see. I can be in my memories. I can vow to never purposely use a small smile again. If life gives me reasons to smile, then by God I’m going to smile. I’m going to laugh and chuckle and scream and holler too! I can realize that each line tells a story –they tell my story. They show my life – my ups and downs, my trials and tribulations, my successes and failures, and my loves and loses. I can give myself a break. I don’t need to think about being beautiful, or even pretty, but I do need to give myself the freedom to feel okay. To be accepting and proud and satisfied with the person I see each day. And finally, I can allow myself to hope that one day my face is full of deep lines and wrinkles. I can hope for a face that will show an array of experiences. I can hope for a face that will show a long life with many years of memories. I can hope for a face that will show knowledge and depth and wisdom and truth. I can hope for a face that will show a life that was lived and lived well.
great post! btw I’m new to blogging and I’d really appreciate if you’d check out my blog much love!
I will check it out!
Love these pictures of you!!!
Thank yoy
Thank you
Came across this post from talkbaja on Facebook. Happy to see this post! It’s a very interesting topic to me, and I think it is important for women to talk openly about this and continue to challenge these unfortunate feelings. I’m pretty convinced a big root of the cause has to do with media (youth is seen as the ultimate beauty), and how much the beauty industry profits from women wanting to look youthful. I’ve decided to accept my greys and not support “miracle” creams to make me look younger. I’d rather spend my energy (and save my money by) accepting how my body ages. Some days are more of a challenge, but it beats feeling insecure, which will never lead to happiness! Oh, and Viva Baja! 🤘
Agree. There is such pressure and I have finally had my WTH moment. I’m ready to live simply and be accepting of me completely. Thanks for the kind words. Great connecting with you!
Love this! So true! I hide from cameras all the time! You are awesome!! 💗
I finally had to have my WTH moment and just say screw it! Gonna live and don’t want to hide!