Fear. I don’t like to think about it much. I like being the person who is strong and capable and taking on life every day. I think of myself as being pretty brave. I will do about anything.  I’ve repelled into caves, snorkeled in the ocean, climbed mountains, bungee jumped…I actually like the thrill of a new adventure.

Recently, I saw a quote that said, “What Would You Do If You Weren’t Afraid.”  It’s a simple thought and a simple quote, but for some reason the question intrigued me, almost haunted me.  I kept thinking about this quote for several days. I knew the easiest way for me to think about fear would be to apply it to other people – my kids, my students, my family members – but I also knew that wasn’t why that quote spoke to me.  I had been thinking about my fears and being afraid for a long time.  I had been trying to figure them out and make changes. I knew fear did play a role in my life.

I just recently watched a friend make tough decisions, maybe life-changing decisions, that I felt were driven by fear. I saw this person struggle with self-doubt and a lack of belief in themselves. I saw their emotions go from one extreme to the other.  It was baffling to me because the person I saw was one of the most compassionate and kind and charismatic people I have ever met.  They were good stuff.  Really good stuff. I tried to help them see their potential and see possibilities and to just take a risk.  To have hope that things could work out and to see that the only thing worse than having things not work out was to never try in the first place. But the fear was so strong. The fear brought confusion and frustration and doubt and pain.  It caused them to hurt others.  They became almost a different person.  I don’t think I made a difference.  I tried, but it just wasn’t enough.  There was nothing more painful to watch than hope be destroyed by fear.

It was profound to see the power of fear. It scared me.  Badly. So again, I asked myself what would I do if I wasn’t afraid? But before I could answer that I had to think about my fears?  Not the ones on the surface, the things I might be afraid to do, but the ones down deep.  The real ones.  The ones that had affected my life for a long time. I knew fear has played a role in my life. I knew why that quote spoke to me.  I knew why my friend’s struggle with fear affected me so much. I understood it. I had been there before and was maybe there now.  It was time. I had to be honest. My fears have nothing to do with doing things.  They had to do with who I am.

I’m an adult. I’m educated.  I have financial stability. I have family and friends that support me. I have a good life. I do. There is no reason I shouldn’t be able to handle my life, but sometimes I can’t. I just want to scream. Or cry. Or lock myself in my room with a heavy dose of alcohol. This make me feel weak. This is the feeling I hate. Weakness. I know the solution is easy. I could go easier on myself or I could just ask for help.  I have lots of people that would be more than willing to be there for me. But I’m afraid to ask for help. I’m afraid for others to see me as weak. I’m afraid to show my true self.  I’m afraid asking for help means I’m not enough on my own.

Yes, I also fear not being enough.  And it’s weird because if you asked me who I was afraid of not being enough for I would tell you I don’t know.  I think I want to feel valued and appreciated and loved, and when I don’t, I somehow feel I am to blame, or I don’t deserve it. If I was better, I would be treated better. It feels like there is something wrong with me. I do have good people in my life, really good people.  People who do value me and build me up and believe in me. So why is it when the other type of people – the ones that make me question myself and make me feel unworthy – treat me poorly do I allow that to be such a strong force in my life? Why do I allow those who doubt me to play a more important role than the ones who believe in me? Why do I even let anyone influence the value I feel? Why am I not the one determining my own value?  Fear can really suck sometimes.

Once I started being honest with myself about my fears, I became afraid they will cause me not to live my best life.  I spent so many years of my life just existing. I only did what was expected and what met the needs of those around me.  It was exhausting being who everyone thought I was and should be. It was exhausting to feel responsible for everything. It sucked the life out of me. I completely lost me. I often just felt like a shell. I became afraid of taking risks and of messing up. I tried to assure things would work out before I did them. I wanted the sure thing. I wanted a promise there wouldn’t be pain or confusion or hurt. So, I did what can most guarantee this – I didn’t take the initiative to create opportunities for myself, I didn’t set goals, and I quit dreaming. My fears became so powerful that my hopes never stood a chance.

I started to process and try figure out my fears several months ago.  I knew I had to. I knew that no matter how others perceived me or how much it seemed like my life was perfect, I knew that wasn’t the truth.  I knew I was overthinking and worrying and processing every outcome in my head. I knew I was waiting for others to validate who I was. I started slowly, taking small risks. I was lucky as my risks worked out and so I started taking bigger risks and those worked out.  I started to get this real sense of confidence, like maybe I had overcome my fears, but then we all know how life works. I got knocked down. The ugly kind of punch in the gut where all the fears came back. There was the blaming myself, the belief that I wasn’t worthy of better, the desire to just stop taking risks altogether, and the having to pretend to be okay when I really wasn’t. I wanted to go back to that place of fear and just not try anymore. I knew that would be easier, but I could not let fear win. Not this time.

What would I do if I wasn’t afraid?  I’m would realize not only do I have a responsibility to care for my sons, teach my students, be a good friend and family member, but I also have a responsibility to take care of me. I would make myself a priority. I would ask for help. I would realize that I may be strongest when I am leaning on someone else. I would measure my own value.  I would decide if I was worthy based on how I felt and what I knew.  My value must always be my decision.  I would know there is nothing worse than waiting for the sure thing. The sure thing may never come.  The sure thing is the most boring life ever – I want adventure and experiences and the unknown. I would take risks.  I would take chances.  I would hope and dream for the best, but when I got knocked down, as I know I would, I would pick myself and try again.  I would hope and dream and risk again.  And again. And again. I would believe that all possibilities are open to me.  I would believe that I could live my best life.  I would never let fear destroy my hopes again.  That is what I would do if I wasn’t afraid.  That is what I will do.  I will.