Day 1 was about survival. It sounds a little dramatic, but it really was all about life or death for me. I just wanted to wake up from surgery. I was having a complete hysterectomy due to severe endometriosis complicated by a fast-growing growth in my uterus. There were the normal risks associated with surgery along with some increased risk of hemorrhage. I had had surgeries before and had never been so scared, but for some reason this time I was terrified. Thank God and the universe and just everything there is that I made it through – relatively well in fact with just minor complications.

Day 8 was about Cancer.  Did I or didn’t I?  It was waiting for pathology results to confirm whether or not the growth had been cancer.  It was a lot of time spent laying in bed wondering what I would do and how I would react.  It was questioning how I would manage. I remember thinking I just didn’t have time for Cancer – probably ridiculous because who does, but that was my thought.  I kept thinking this isn’t a good time.  I have a job and my kids have activities and I am already committed to so much. Maybe I focused on that because focusing on the bigger impact cancer could have on my life was just more than I could handle at that time.  Once again, I thank God and the universe and just everything there is that I received good news – I didn’t have Cancer.

Day 14 was about Activity.  I had finally hit the magical 2-week mark.  The day I was supposed to be on the mend – the uphill.  I was getting pretty stir crazy at that point and was so ready to get even minimal activity back in my life.  I was told I could start moving. I could start minimal walking.  I was ready and determined to get back to my life – not exactly how it worked.  Minimal activity caused severe cramping and bleeding.  I was measuring the amount of walking in minutes – like I was excited because I just walked for 3 straight minutes.  Going to the bathroom became a huge anxiety as I held my breath every time because I had to check to see if blood was present. I know this is too much information, but that was my reality and too often there was blood.  I had to slow down. My body was saying slow down.  I’m not ready yet.  It was a constant battle between what my head wanted and my body would tolerate.

Day 22 was about Fear. There was a lot of blood – more than I had ever experienced.  I had listened to my body and taken in slow, at least I thought I was.  I was walking more but no more than about 10-12 minutes every 3 hours and then I was laying down afterwards.  I was trying to work my way up to being able to return to work and some sort of life – I jokingly said I had moved from stir crazy to bat shit crazy – although

maybe not a joke as I felt like I was going crazy being at home. And then on one of my anxiety filled bathroom breaks, there was a lot of blood.   I was scared I had injured something inside – a setback.  I didn’t know how I would deal with a setback.  I followed doctor’s orders and maintained horizontal bed rest for the next 2 days.  Yes, the person whose goal was 20,000 steps pre-op had just moved 849 steps in one day.  I extended my medical leave and continued my time off work. 

Day 31 was about Progress. I returned to work.  I had never been so excited to have my alarm go off and get ready and make that drive.  My students were excited to see me, and it was great getting to talk to people.  I was having conversations with someone other than myself – I had voices in my life that were actually talking back!  I was cautious and smart and took it easy.  I minimized my stairs and walking.  I was upfront with my students about my limitations and they were amazing – so kind and supportive.  My physical activity continued to increase and while the activity was not yet rigorous, I had hit the 10,000 daily steps mark.  I had turned the physical corner.  It would still be a journey, but I was on the right road.  I felt good.

Day 32 was about Emotions.  My surgery had put me into surgical menopause and placed me on Hormone Replacement Therapy.  The first 30 days had been a smooth ride and I was pretty convinced I was going to be one of the ones that just sailed through the transition.  I put a new patch on that morning, this time the on-brand drug instead of the generic as insurance had finally kicked in.  I was actually excited about it as it was smaller and more discreet.  About 12 hours later, I lost my shit with one of my sons.  Completely lost it.  He deserved me getting frustrated with him, but he did not deserve the level to which I escalated.  I owned my actions and explained to both him and myself that I was tired from returning to work and hadn’t been feeling great and just had a bad moment. We all have bad moments, right?

Day 33 was about More Emotions. It was just a really tough day.  I hadn’t slept well, and I was suddenly obsessed with catching up around my house as things had fallen to the side because I had been unable to physically do so much for so long.  I was trying to get my teenagers to help –a challenge in and of itself.  My parents were moving from 6 miles to 1500 miles away – happy for them and the opportunities that await them but also selfishly a little stressed as they are my support system. I pushed myself physically as it was the first day I hadn’t stopped to lay down and rest at some point.  My mind began to race and I began to question my worth and value as a person – all emotions I had been struggling with prior to my surgery.  I had to hold back tears all day long.  I reached out to someone close to me in an attempt to straighten out my thinking, but couldn’t communicate my needs very well.  My words just weren’t making sense.  I was all over the place.  Crying one moment and then angry the next.  I think all I really needed to say was I’m having a really crap day and it would mean the world to me if you would just talk to me and tell me I’m going to be okay.  Tell me I’m not alone.  What I did instead was say about 5,000 words that all ran around each other in a confusing mess.  I left the conversation and ended the night deflated and sad and confused and lonely. 

And now it’s day 34.  I woke up after only sleeping about 4 hours. I already cried for about an hour. Just sitting in my bed and crying for no apparent reason.  Ugly crying – huge tears, snot, and heaving.  I questioned myself and the actions of several others.  Nothing was making sense.  Nothing.  This is when I finally forced myself to collect my thoughts enough to see that something was wrong.  This wasn’t a bad day or a bad weekend – something was off.  Maybe it was the hormones?  I put myself back together and was able to clear my head and really think about some things.  I started writing – my therapy.  What I figured out is that I think on day 34 is that I’m worried and I’m scared.  I am more scared than Surgery Day and Cancer Day and Activity Day and Fear Day and Progress Day and Emotions Day.  I think I’m more scared on Day 34 because I’m feeling uncertainty and doubt and I have absolutely no clue what lies ahead.

I’ve had a really emotional 48 hours and I don’t know what is coming. I don’t how much is just being tired and stressed and how much is the hormones.  I don’t know how to figure out the answers.  I don’t know who to ask for help.  I feel embarrassed and ashamed.  I spent time this morning, probably too much, on the Surgical Menopause Support Group page reading all the horror stories these women are posting about their struggles with different medications and treatments and side effects and there is no one saying it’s going to be okay and you are going to be fine.   There must be some women that are doing okay, right?  Something feels off with me, but I don’t know.  Am I blaming it on the hormones because I don’t want to admit I just got overwhelmed and stressed and acted really crappy or is it really the hormones and is this how it’s going to be and what am I going to do if this is how it’s going to be and how long will it take to figure out and how will it impact my future?  Not sounding like a real stable mind, does it?

Day 34 is about I Don’t Know.  I’m going to try to get some sleep and hope that resets my brain, but I don’t know if it will.  When I do get up, I’m going to try to be productive and calm and collected and keep my emotions in check all day, but I don’t know if I can.  If anyone asks, I’m going to say I am doing fine and I feel good, but I don’t know if that will be the truth.   What I’m really going to do is wish that I could tell someone how scared I am and how there is nothing worse than the unknown and fearing that I may not have control of my own body or my own mind.  I would admit that I feel crazy.  I would tell them how terrified I am to learn if this is the end of this whole experience or just the beginning of a whole new ordeal, and I don’t know where to even start to try to figure it out. I wish I could tell those closest to me that I know who they might see could be confusing and make them uncomfortable. I know that I may have or will hurt their feelings.  I would tell them I understand their feelings because I can already feel the hurt inside of me, and I don’t know how I am going to make it stop. I wish I could say that this will be a process and I know that it will be hard on them, but please realize it will be harder on me.  I am the one that will have to be brave and try new things and be open to new options and figure out a way to take back control of my body that may very well fight me the entire time. I am the one this will be happening to and I don’t know how to say that without sounding incredibly selfish.  I wish I could say to those who know me best to please not forget who I am.  I’m afraid I could lose me a little along the way, but you know me, and you know my heart and I promise you I will figure out a way to get back to me, but I will need time and patience.  Finally, I just wish I could say I need you.  I need all of you.  I am strong and I am brave, but this is hard.  I am scared, terrified actually, and I know that I need help and support and I need to lean on others, but I don’t know if I will because my nature will be to cope and deal by myself so I’m not a burden for anyone else.  The reality is I don’t know.  Today I just don’t know.

Endnote: I found out a few days later what I was experiencing as I wrote this piece was estrogen dominance – too much estrogen.  What I know was that I was not in control of my mind and it was a terrifying feeling.  I knew what I was feeling and how I was reacting didn’t make sense, but I had no control.  I know the emotions I felt were real.  The sadness and loneliness and hopelessness were real.  Terrifying.  My meds were adjusted and I was quickly able to regain balance.  I have since also experienced my estrogen bottoming out which created a state where I almost lost the inability to think or process anything at all.  It felt like being dragged through a dense fog.  This was solved by adjusting the frequency of my meds.  It’s a roller coaster.  There will be ups and downs.  I’ve been told adjustments will have to continuously be made.  So my answer is it will be a process.  I chose to share my experience because I know I’m not the only one that has struggles and obstacles and knows  life can be hard and scary sometimes.  I know feeling you are not alone can sometimes make all the difference.  I know that by being vulnerable and honest and willing to ask for help I am finding strength I never knew I had. I know I will be at my best when I accept all of me – my good, my bad, and my ugly.  So to my friends and my family and the complete strangers who have touched my life – I am so glad you are my village and you have supported me on my journey.  I love you all.    

My Journey:

What Would You Do If You Weren’t Afraid?

Why Me?