I’ve been through a lot. That’s not an excuse.  It’s a fact.  I don’t want to share what happened to me and I actually really don’t like when people think they have a right to know.  You don’t.  It’s my story and I’m not ready to share it.  I may never be ready.  But what I need you to understand is that I didn’t chose to be one of THOSE KIDS.  I became one of THOSE KIDS because of what happened to me.  No one would choose to be me.

The first thing I need you to know is that the things you asked me to do weren’t that easy. You said listen and be quiet.  You said pay attention and sit still.  You thought just saying it meant I could just do it.  I couldn’t.  I tried, but my mind wandered and my hands tapped and I got so antsy.  I literally had to move sometimes and the harder I tried not to move the more I couldn’t sit still.  I couldn’t focus on what you were saying because all I could think about was that I needed to get up and I needed to move.  I needed to get out of the situation I am in.  You saw me start to pace or get up or move around and told me to stop.  That’s how you said it.  Stop.  It wasn’t that easy.  Once my brain decided it needed out of a situation, I had to get out.  I had to get away.  All I wanted to do is run. If I was forced to stay in that situation, I started to lose control.  The behaviors started.  Crying.  Tipping a desk. Ripping papers.  Arguing.  Throwing something. Running out.  I knew these behaviors were bad.  I knew it every single time.  I knew it.  I just couldn’t stop it.

You said just do the work. Complete the problem. Finish your paper. Read the book. You always said it like that.  Like I was supposed to just do it.  It wasn’t that easy.  I wasn’t always good at school. I get confused sometimes.  When I was little I moved around a lot and went to a lot of different schools.  Each school was different and they all taught me different things.  Do you know how it makes you feel to be told to do something and be totally confused but look around you and see that every other kid seems to know what to do?  It’s embarrassing.  I felt stupid.  When I tried to ask for help, you often just told me again what to do.  You gave the directions again.  What I needed you to understand was that I didn’t need to know “what” to do, but I needed to know “how” to do it.  I hated feeling like that.  I felt frustrated and scared and angry. It made me want to just run away.  So I did what I had to do to get out of the situation.  The behaviors started.  Refusal to work. Being mean to my peers. Breaking my pencil. Being loud and distracting. Refusing to move.  Curling into a ball on the floor.  I just needed away from the situation.  I knew the behaviors were bad.  I knew it every single time.  I knew it.  I just couldn’t stop it.

You said just be nice. Be friends.  Get along with your peers.  Share your things.  Just do those things and you will have friends.  It’s not that easy.  I felt like I was really trying.  I tried to be who they wanted me to be and say the things they were saying and dress the way they were, but it didn’t work out for me.  I just didn’t fit in.  My peers weren’t nice to me.  Some of them were really mean to me.  I kind of get it.  I know I wasn’t always easy to be around but I was trying.  When someone was mean to me, I just kind of lost it.  I blamed myself every single time.  I began to believe I deserved to be treated like that.  I began to hate myself. Those kind of emotions make you angry. I couldn’t deal with that kind of anger and sadness and so I didn’t deal them.  The behaviors started.  Yelling.  Stealing.  Telling lies.  Fighting.  Making threats. Sobbing.  I just needed to get the hurt out.  I knew the behaviors were bad.  I knew it every single time.  I knew it.  I just couldn’t stop it.

That was my past. Those were my experiences.  That was my story.  I was one of THOSE KIDS and I’m proud of that.  I’m proud because that’s who I was, but it isn’t going to be my future.  I’ve been working on myself for a long time now and  I’ve come a long way.  What I learned is that every emotion I felt was okay.  There was nothing wrong with me for feeling the emotions.  I just needed to learn better ways to express those emotions.  I learned to feel better about myself.  I do.  I learned I can make connections with others.  I learned I could trust people. The most important thing I learned was that it wasn’t my fault.  My life wasn’t my fault.  The things that happened to me were not my fault.  The reactions I had weren’t my fault.  I am learning to forgive myself.

Please don’t focus on my story.  Focus on me. I am. I am ready for the next chapter in my life, but what I need you to know that while I am so much better, I am not perfect. Please don’t expect me to be.  I am not trying to use my past as an excuse, but I had a lot of really bad things happen to me.  I just did.  I am still dealing with it and may always be trying to deal with it.  I don’t think you will see the behaviors you did before, but if you do, please know that means I need your help.  Don’t tell me to just stop.  Grab me by the shoulders, look in my eyes, and say talk to me.  Say I am here for you.  Say we got this.  When I’m not working, please know that I’m not being lazy or disrespectful.  I’m confused and I’m scared to ask for help.  Stop at my desk and offer help.  Put your hand on my shoulder and say this is hard.  Say let’s figure this out. Say I want to help you.  If you see me pacing or starting to get agitated, please know that means I am fighting my body that is telling me to run.  Say do you need a break. Say could you run an errand to the office.  Say could we step outside in the hall and talk.  If you see me standing alone, please know that I don’t want to be alone.  Help me find others who may also need a friend.  Say I would like you to meet someone.  Say I think this would be a great club or group for you to join.  Please know that I am so much more than any misbehavior you have seen in me.  I hope you will see that and someday you will say she has come so far.  Say she is making so much progress.  Say she is so strong.  Say she is amazing.

Story told by a 14-year-old student and co-written with Candace Boehm.

Please read the THOSE KIDS series:

THOSE KIDS

To THAT student…I’m Sorry I Wasn’t Better

The Voice of THOSE KIDS: I’d Rather Be Not Liked for Being Mean Than Not Liked for Being Me

THOSE KIDS:  The One Who Changed Everything