It’s weird the things my mind gets stuck on sometimes.  Maybe it’s my age or my hormones or my life experiences…I don’t know, but I’ve been stuck on smiling lately.  I watch people (not in a creepy way I swear!) and look at myself throughout each day and I think about smiling.  What makes people smile?  Why do they smile?  What does a smile say or show or mean?  What is behind the smile?  What is behind my smile?

The obvious answer is happiness.  Of course I smile when I’m happy.  When I’m eating lunch with my boys or I’m sitting on a beach with a drink in my hand or I’m having a conversation with a friend I haven’t seen in ages or a student makes an amazing breakthrough I feel happy.  I smile and I laugh  and it feels really good.  I feel fortunate.  I have a lot to be happy about.  I have a good life and am surrounded by good people and I smile a lot because I do feel happiness.  But…yes, there is a but…happiness isn’t the only reason I smile.  Sometimes my smile can be my disguise, a mask if you will.  I’m pretty sure sometimes I hide behind my smile.

The other day at the pool, I had conversations with several people.  I smiled the entire time.  But I wasn’t happy.  I was emotional roller coaster that day.  It had not been a good day.  One hundred and twenty five days before, I was put into surgical menopause after having an emergency hysterectomy.  It has been a struggle since to keep my hormones in balance.  A lot of the time I feel really good.  Some days I feel okay.  And some days suck.  Some days I cry a lot.  Over everything.  Over nothing.  Some days I feel no emotion. Flat.  Nothing.  Empty.  Some days I’m a raging b****.  Can’t be pleased.  Yell.  Argue. Rant.  It ain’t pretty.  I constantly have an inner struggle with myself as I try to figure out if the emotions are the hormones or if they are me.  Is the sadness the hormones or me?  Is the apathy the hormones or me?  Am I a b**** because of the hormones or is that just me?   When I feel this way, I’m not happy.  It’s confusing and frustrating and scary.  But I smile anyway.  Am I hiding behind my smile?

As a mother, I’ve been asked thousand of times how things are going or how my kids are and 99% of the time, I smile and answer great or wonderful or amazing.  I love being a Mom and anyone who knows me knows that.  My boys know that.  My children are my greatest gifts. But being a Mom is hard.  There is no guide to tell you how do it. There is this insane pressure and expectation to love and embrace everything that comes with motherhood.  To cherish every moment of motherhood.  But this is where I get honest.  Some of it isn’t so fun.  Puberty is ridiculous.  Their attitudes and their mouths and their way of thinking….not easy!  The sacrifices.  I give up time and money and my own hopes and goals.  I spent years putting things on the back burner – I knew my stuff could wait.  I wouldn’t have it any other way and I wouldn’t go back and change anything, but sometimes it’s just tough.  It’s exhausting.  Sometimes it’s lonely and confusing and frustrating.  So sometimes the real answer would be is that life is hard right now and I’m struggling with my kids, but I won’t say it.  I won’t not smile either.  I will hide behind my smile.  Is that wrong?

I think about my life and to say it’s good is an understatement.  I have people who really love me – family, friends, coworkers, students.  I have people who believe in me and support me.  I am taking risks and making my own dreams come true.  I am travelling and having the most amazing experiences.  The fact that I have so much good is what makes me feel the most guilty sometimes.  I feel guilty because sometimes I still don’t feel as happy as I should.  Not all the time and not even most of the time, but sometimes.  Sometimes I’m sad.  Sometimes I’m completely exhausted.  Sometimes I’m jealous of what other people have.  Sometimes I want more.  Sometimes I want different. Sometimes I regret my choices. Sometimes I’m afraid to make any choice. Sometimes I doubt who I am.  What I am.  How I got here.   Sometimes I smile because it’s easier to pretend like I’m happy.  Sometimes I smile because I’m trying to convince myself I’m happy.  Sometimes I smile because I think it easier for you if you think I’m okay.  Sometimes I just smile not matter what.  I just do.

So now the hard questions.  What’s behind my smile?  Me.  I am behind my smile.  A person who I think is mostly good most of the time.  But a person who can also be a little b******.   A little controlling.  A little stubborn.  Difficult.  Yes.  A person who is figuring herself out.  A person who is riding a hormonal roller coaster and coming to terms with whether my feelings come from hormones or me, it doesn’t matter.  It’s me.  It’s all part of who I am. Sometimes I am sharp and stable and sometimes I take the crazy train for ride. Sometimes I buckle up because sometimes it’s a very bumpy ride.  A person who puts a lot of pressure on herself.  To do things right.  To always make the best decision for me and my boys. To give to others. To be there for others. To constantly achieve and do better and do more.  A happy person who sometimes feels sadness and loneliness and frustration and anger.  A person who is feeling all the emotions.  Me.

Am I hiding behind my smile?  No. I don’t think so. Because I think a smile can mean a lot of things.  I’m smiling because I am happy.  I have a great life and I am so grateful for that.  I’m smiling because I am strong.  Because even though I struggle at times, I keep going.  I keep hoping.  I keep believing.  I keep believing in me.  I keep believing in others.  I’m smiling because I have overcome adversity.  I’ve overcome hardships and struggles and faced my demons.  I’m  still fighting them, but I’m not giving up.  I won’t.  I’m smiling because I won’t apologize for my life or my feelings.  I have a right to experience everything – all the emotions.  All the greatness.  All the crap.  All of it.  I’m smiling because I am flawed.  I am imperfect.  I am crazy.  I am a hot mess.  I’m making mistakes.  I’m figuring it out.  I’m taking my own time.  I don’t have it all together and I probably never will.   And that is okay.  That is really okay.  And that is something to smile about.