Divorce.  I thought I knew.  I thought I knew what it would be like.    What to expect.  How I would feel.  How I would react and how others would react.  How I would cope and how I would deal.  I wish someone had told me what I know now.  Because two years later the one thing I know is that I had absolutely no idea.

You will hurt.  I don’t care if it was your choice or not.  I don’t care if it was your fault or theirs or an agreed upon decision or a complete surprise.  It will hurt.  A lot.  I absolutely knew my divorce was the right decision – the only decision.  It was what I wanted to happen and what needed to happen.  And so initially I felt like I needed to be strong and positive and not look back.  It seemed weak to hurt.  It seemed wrong to care about what was.  I was wrong and my advice – grieve. I lost a life.  A life I had planned for years.  A life that was supposed to be.  I lost experiences and traditions and dynamics that will never be again.  And that’s sad.  Let yourself hurt.  Maybe days, maybe weeks, and maybe longer. Because here’s my other advice – it will get better.  Not all at once, but little by little.  Acceptance will come.  Perspective will come. Appreciation for what was will come.  It will get better.

You will be alone.  I used to feel so lonely.  One of the loneliest places has to be a failing relationship.  The isolation you feel when the pieces just don’t fit anymore.  The desolation created from the hiding and the excuses and the shame  Lonely sucks, but what divorce taught me was alone can too.  Alone.  Just me.  By myself.  I remember the first weekend my kids were all gone and I was home all by myself.  My house was so quiet.  And it stayed that way.  I didn’t know what to do and so I sat and I cried.  I ran a few errands and then came home and cried.  I picked up and I cleaned and I cried.  I used to always crave alone time, but not like this.  Dealing with the alone was hard.  The alone doesn’t go away.  You have to get use to it.  You have to become okay with it. I had to push myself.  I learned to go out to dinner by myself.  I learned to go to city market and festivals and hiking by myself.  I cranked up the radio and I read and I wrote and I survived.  It will also get better.  You will learn to use that time to do for yourself.  Take up a hobby.  Find a new passion.  Lay around on your couch in your PJs drinking wine.  Exercise. Cook.  Take a few deep breaths.  You deserve it.  That’s what I learned.  I deserve time to do the things I like.  I deserve time to take care of me.  I deserve to matter to myself.

Your people will change.  You will lose friends.  You will.  There will be friends who treat you differently.  Some will make polite small talk and some will just avoid you all together.  People will talk about you.  They will also make judgements about you.  And my advice to that – let them.  Just let them.  They will think they know your story.  They don’t.  Some will think they have say.  They don’t.  Remember that.  They don’t.  Divorce makes people uncomfortable.  Way more uncomfortable than it will make you.  I’m not exactly sure why, but maybe they are afraid it’s contagious or maybe it makes them think about their own relationships a little more clearly or a little more honestly.  Maybe it’s jealousy or envy or sadness or pity.  Maybe the new you scares them just a little.  Let them feel how they want.  Those are their feelings.  They aren’t about you.  The invitations will stop too.  You won’t always get invited to things anymore.  It’s just a fact.  You aren’t a couple anymore.  You are a one and sometimes people just don’t want a one.  At first this really hurt me.  I thought “Why?” a lot.  But what I began to see over time was the why was most likely that I had changed.  I had changed a lot.  My priorities and my ideas and my way of thinking had changed.   What I wanted and what I valued was different. Maybe the why was that we didn’t have as much in common anymore.  Maybe the why was that people just evolve and change and get busy.  And what I believe is that maybe people come and go in our lives when they do for a reason.  Divorce taught me that.  Because what also happened was people I never expected came out of the shadows to support me.  I found myself opening up to new people, different people.  I became more accepting and more open-minded.  I received support from other women on my same path.  Divorced women are a strong breed.  Completely badass if you ask me. They have your back.  There is a certain unspoken kinship that just exits. I found that there are plenty of people who got the new me without ever having to explain who I used to be.  I made some of the most amazing new friends and connections the past two years.   You will find your people.

You will feel guilt.  Guilt about everything.  Guilt about the choices you made along the way.  Guilt about the ones you didn’t make.  Guilt about being too selfish or not selfish enough.  Guilt about all the things you can’t seem to get done or all places you can’t seem to be, especially when the old you could.  Field trips and doctor’s appointments and birthday parties and sleepovers and laundry and dinner and the lawn.  The damn lawn that always needs mowed.  And then the big guilt.  Them.  Your children.  This wasn’t the life you planned for them.  They weren’t supposed to have a Mom’s house and a Dad’s house.  This wasn’t the plan.   Divorce didn’t just impact you.  It changed their lives too.  A lot.  None of this was supposed to happen.  But it did.  That’s the best advice I can give.  It happened.  Accept that.  You are divorced and your kids now have divorced parents.  It doesn’t make you bad or less than or a failure.  It just makes you divorced.  That’s all.  That part cannot be changed.  It’s done.  So now control what you can.  Be the best damn mother you can.  Support them.  Love them.  Talk to them and be honest with them.  Laugh a lot.  Have fun.  Create new memories and traditions. Allow them to celebrate and cherish the old ones.  They don’t need perfection.  They just need you.  A good mother is a powerful thing.  You are enough.

You will be scared.  Shitless sometimes.  I don’t care how strong you are.  You will be scared.  Scared about every single thing.  Money.  Responsibilities.  Commitments. You.  Them.  Today.  Tomorrow.  Every single thing.  How will you pay for spirit wear and new shoes and the out of town tournament?  How will you make it to parent night and cook dinner and help with the school project and buy new pants for the choir concert and how will you get it all done by tomorrow?  How will you know if they’re okay?  Will they be okay?  Will you ever be enough?  Will you be okay?  Will the lonely ever end?  How will you ever move on? If being alone is scary then moving on in terrifying.  The unknown.  That’s the scariest damn thing.  What happens now?  I didn’t know how to date.  Online didn’t exist the last time I was single, neither did the wider hips or the fat armpits or the wrinkles and the sagging.  Could I ever trust again or open up again or try again?  The fear is always with you, but what I learned is on the other side of fear are the lessons.  You will become a master at stretching the dollar and cutting corners and sacrificing your own needs.  You will learn to prioritize.  You will learn to say no.  You will learn to ask for help. If you are like me you will hate it, but you will do it.   If you venture into online dating, you will learn to laugh because my God laughter is the only way you will survive it!  And again you will learn that you are enough.  Flawed and damaged and a little bit crazy.  Definitely not perfect, but strong and determined and capable.  You will find a way and you will figure it out because you are enough.

And finally, you will survive.  You will.  Cry. Strong doesn’t mean you don’t cry.  Strong means you wipe away the tears and get back up once you’re done.  Scream.  Lose your shit.  Use the “F” word.  Sometimes it’s the only word that works.  Drink wine.  And margaritas and mojitos and sangria!  And while you are drinking eat the chips and salsa too!  Take walks and enjoy nature.  Dance.  Rock out to an old school favorite.  Try new things.  The things you always wanted to.  It may not work out, but maybe it will.  You are worth the risks.  Forgive.  Forgive.  Forgive.  Others and yourself.  Let all that crap go.  It does nothing but hold you in place.  Talk to strangers.  Talk to friends.  Date.   Open up.  Talk and communicate and when people don’t listen then find those who will.  Your people will hear your voice.  Put you on the list of priorities.  Get lost in your own thoughts.  Get to know you again.  Experience.  Move forward.  Baby steps count.  And finally, just do your best.  That is enough.  Get through today.  And then get through tomorrow and then the week and then the month and then eventually getting through turns into living.  Living your life for you.  And really that’s what this was all about.

I am proud of the new chapters I’ve started to write.  Moving on and moving forward.  But I don’t ever want to forget where I came from.  What I went through.  What I’m still going through some days.  The lessons I learned.  I want part of me to always be that divorced woman.  I like her.  She’s scrappy and feisty and strong.  She’s kind of a badass some days!.  And I am pretty sure she isn’t just enough.  I am pretty sure she may just be more than enough,