There is no New Year’s resolution for me this year.  I’m not making promises and I’m not setting goals.  I’m not going back through the past twelve months and evaluating and reconsidering and wondering.  No what ifs.  No could haves or would haves or should haves.  There will not be a New Year, New Me this year.

Last year’s journey didn’t go the way I planned.  I am nowhere near where I thought I would be.  The battles that were supposed to end haven’t.  The things I was going to have resolved are bigger and more complex than ever.  The anger and resentment I vowed to let go of still circles around me more days than I would like to admit.  For every day I moved forward and made progress, I am pretty sure there were two I stood still and probably two I stepped back.

There’s a lot I didn’t do this year.  I didn’t travel.  Stupid virus.  I didn’t write.  Not liked I had planned.  The time was there.  God, was the time ever there, but not the words.  Too often I just couldn’t find them. How do you write about your adventures in another part of the world when you’re stuck in your own backyard?  How do you write about your job and your students when you can’t be with them?  I didn’t connect with new people and learn new lessons.  I didn’t experience new cultures and new customs and new places. Again stupid virus.  The opportunities it took from us all.

I didn’t better myself the way I planned.  The whole new year, new me – better me – from last year didn’t really pan out.  I still struggle to just trust the journey I’m on.  I still want to control everything and everyone and chose the outcomes. I’m still not always strong enough. I still break down on the bathroom floor. I still cry.  Sometimes a lot.  I yell.  I bitch. And I complain.  I struggle with patience.  And frustration.  And I get irritated by people. I get irritated with myself.  Sometime a lot.  I still doubt me.  My value.  My worth.  I struggled to accept me.  The outside.  The inside.  Who am I.  How I got here. Where I’m going. All of it.

As much I know the vision and the plans I had for me in 2020 didn’t come to be, I am even more confident knowing I am glad they didn’t.  My journey veered off the planned track.  It kind of flew off the rails actually.  It kept me home.  A really long time.  It gave me time with my sons I could have never anticipated.  We got extra laughter and moments and memories.  It gave me love.  A best friend.  A partner.  It gave me a garden and a fire pit and a new kitchen.  It gave me card games and movies and really long walks.  It gave me time to develop perspective and prioritize.  It slowed me down.  It became about silver linings.  It put me in the smallest bubble I’ve ever been in and forced me to find happiness and fulfillment and life within that tiny, tiny space.

For everything I didn’t do in 2020, something new, and sometimes unexpected, took its place.  I finally had time for projects around the house.  I read.  I took time to just be lazy sometimes.  Binged watched more series than I care to admit.  I had real conversations.  I had time for phone calls.  I learned Happy Hour can happen anywhere – even on Zoom.  I learned new ways to teach.  New technologies and new applications.  I got creative.  Persevered.  Took to nature.  Hikes.  Bike rides.  Empty rivers.  Wide open plains.  Mountains.  Trails.  My own backyard.

I had envisioned 2020 as another year of lessons about living a better life and becoming a better me.  Transformations. Making changes.  “Aha” moments.  Progress. Risks.  That didn’t happen.  I’m pretty much the same person I was 365 days ago.  Still have parts that are broken.  Still messy.  Without a doubt still crazy.  Still have problems I can’t seem to solve.  An attitude I can’t quite get in check.  A filter I don’t always use. But also still hopeful.  Still kind most of the time.  Still willing to help and share and do for others.  Still funny.  Determined and dedicated and driven.  Strong.  Capable.  I still make mistakes.  I’ve said I’m sorry a lot.  There are regrets.  Bad decisions.  Problems.  But I still pick myself up.  Put a smile on face.  Keep going.  Try to find solutions.  Survive.  And ever so often even thrive.

All I managed to do this year was continue to be me.  And maybe that’s been my problem all along.  Thinking that each year I should have visions and make plans and promises and vows.  That I need to always strive to be better or more.  This year I’m saying to hell with all that.   This year I’m saying good enough is good enough.  I’m just going to be okay with me.  This me.  This person. This messy, messy person.  Accept my good, my bad, and my ugly.  Okay, and my crazy too!  Give myself a damn break!  Just live each day.  Appreciate what comes.  Be open to wherever my journey takes me.  Be ready for new experience and new people, but be perfectly content with what I already have.  No New Year, New Me.  No resolutions and no lofty goals.  Not this year.  This year I just get to be me and to be honest, I can’t wait.

Read 2020 Posts:

Baja Lessons Trust

Not That Kind of Strong

Another Year.  Broken.  Messy. Okay

Baja Lesson – The Beast

I was Right

I Knew When I Danced in the Rain

A Mediocre Sidekick Kind of Woman

Divorce.  I Wish Someone  Had Told Me