Dear Student,

I found a letter you wrote over 15 years ago to me at the end of your 8^th grade year. You were thanking me for helping you and all I did for you. Reading that letter brought tears to my eyes, but not for the reasons you probably think. I felt so bad. I was not the teacher I wish I could have been for you. I wish I would have been so much better. I wish I had known then what I know now.

We won’t sugar coat things – you were definitely one of THOSE students. You were THAT kid, the wild one, the unpredictable one, and the one who kept me one my toes! As you stated in your letter, it was a year of problems and stress! I can remember just assuming I would be called to the office at some point during each week to meet you. I knew each week we would sit in my office going round and round about whatever issue or “wild stunt” you had just pulled. I knew my colleagues and I would sit and talk about you, without ever really coming to any consensus or creating any viable solutions.

I remember talking about you and saying things like: “He isn’t even trying.”- “He doesn’t even care.” I am so sorry. Now, I would say he would behave if he could.  No one chooses to be THAT student.  You see, that is now my driving belief.  I know that students would behave if they knew how to.  I look back now and can see so clearly that, of course, you wanted to behave.  That is why you spent countless hours sitting in my office talking to me and listening to me.  The problem is I was talking at you and telling you what to do.  I wasn’t teaching you how to do it.

I remember talking to other teachers and saying, “He doesn’t listen.  I have told him time after time what to do and he still misbehaves.”  I am so sorry.  I was telling you what to do, but I never took the time to model those behaviors, to break those behaviors down into smaller steps so you could better understand each piece, to have the opportunity to practice those skills in a safe environment, and to provide you with guidance and feedback as you tried those new skills.  I never taught you.  Now, I preach to others that students can only do better if they know better, and they can only know better if we teach them how to do better.

I remember saying “He just wants attention.”  I am so sorry.  Of course, you wanted attention.  You needed someone to listen to you.  You needed someone to see that you were spinning out of control and you needed help.  You needed someone to see that the problem was not your behaviors but the underlying feelings and emotions and experiences that were causing your behaviors.  Now, I would see a student behaving the way you did and I would work to focus on the causes of the behavior, I would collect data to determine trends and patterns, I would look at triggering factors, and I would create a plan that focused on being proactive so issues could be solved before the behaviors occurred .  I would teach you social skills and coping skills and anger management techniques to use instead of the inappropriate behaviors.

I can remember thinking “I just don’t understand this kid.  He doesn’t make any sense.  It works for my other students.” I am so sorry. I was expecting you to act like every other kid, and that wasn’t fair and it wasn’t right. I knew your story. I knew there were parts that weren’t pretty. I knew what you went home to each night.  Now, I know that experiencing traumatic situations, especially as a child, changes the brain. They change the way a child reacts and sees their world.  I was asking you to think about the long-term goals and consequences and you were in survival mode – you were busy surviving moment by moment.

I’ve thought about you over the years. I’ve worried about you. I even checked your social media page a few times just to see if it looked like you are doing okay. I ran into you a few years ago and was so happy to see you looking well. And then as I was preparing my classroom this year, I found your letter in the bottom of one of my boxes. It was then I knew I needed to not only tell you that I was sorry and wish I could have been better for you, but to also thank you.

During those couple of years early in my career that I worked with you and several of the other “bad boys”, I found my passion in life.  I found what I was meant to do and found my place in the education world.  I can’t imagine doing anything else.  I thank you.  I was motivated to learn how to be better for “those” kids and learn how to actually teach them and understand the way their brains work.  I thank you.  I now approach my students with more compassion and knowledge and understanding and confidence.  I thank you.  I am a better teacher and parent and person because of the lessons I learned from you.  I thank you.   I wasn’t as good as I wish I could have been for you, but because of you, the students I have now and the students I will have in the future will get the best of me.  I thank you and I know they will too.

Sincerely,

Your Teacher